It only takes alittle help
by Jing Mei Chen
Summary: There's always something hidden...you just have to know where to look
1. If I needed someone

This is the slowest the clock has possibly moved...  
  
Like ever  
  
And I could count off the seconds in my head  
  
But no one was moving.  
  
"I told her that we'd take care of the baby.No one told me the father was a..." the old man at the head of the table stopped.Everyone turned to stare at Jing Mei  
  
"What?"  
  
Her mother shrugged,"See what we have to deal with!! She's almost 30 years old...when I was 30.."  
  
"Doing nothing with your life" she pushed the chair away from the table and raced away, kicking her shoes off as she ran  
  
"JING MEI!! I am so sorry, Ba-ba" her mother said quickly, looking in the direction her daughter ran with disgust  
  
They only did this for family. No one outside of these walls were to know of my shame  
  
Yes,my shame.  
  
I call it my mistake..they call it my shame 


	2. Only time

Women don't run in my family  
  
They duck and hide, disappear even  
  
That's what I think my mother hated so much. I grew up here, in the States.  
  
Their women run  
  
  
And I grew up knowing I would be independent.It doesn't matter...  
  
"I earn enough to take care of myself" she said quietly  
  
Her mother nodded,"But you gave up your child"  
  
"So I could keep working"  
  
"Back in the China.." the old woman started  
  
Jing Mei took a deep breath."stop..please?I gave him up so I can work,because you..."  
  
"You don't know..you couldn't have known how I felt"  
  
"DO I LOOK STUPID!" Jing Mei screamed  
  
The old woman bit her lip  
  
"I know Mummy. I KNOW! And I couldn't bring a child into this family.Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.." she looked out into the garden  
  
"Then go" her mother said quietly,before going back inside the house 


	3. With the lies, and the words......

I spent alot of time pretending  
  
I was smart  
  
I was clever  
  
I was beautiful  
  
I was loved, by my family  
  
Alot of time wishing my mother would be like my friend's mothers.Supportive of my dreams  
  
"Then go" her mother said quietly  
  
I marched in behind her,grabbing my things from the living room, the shoes in my hands  
  
"Where do you think you're going?" Uncle stood in front of the front door  
  
Jing Mei narrowed her eyes."Move"  
  
"This is how you respect your elders" he said bitterly  
  
"Move"  
  
There was nothing to do. I left, heart in pieces. There was no more pretending   
  
Now I knew the truth  
  
They would never be supportive or loving  
  
"You leave this house" Uncle stood in the front porch,screaming after me,"You're nothing to me"  
  
They're nothing to me 


	4. Fool

Loneliness is something I am familliar with  
  
When I was growing up,it was my best friend  
  
I had all these people around me, but everything felt empty  
  
*beep*  
  
Hey deb...just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas  
call me ...  
  
*beep*  
  
And broken  
  
Being part of prominent family, you also have to learn to act. Act like the world in welcoming you with open arms,even if you want to run  
  
When I was 13  
  
I started my period. It was some of the worst pain I've felt.. the cramps. I didn't know...what to expect. What I would see.  
  
My first day of a woman, my mother yelled at me because I stained the back of my white satin dress at someone's winter formal dinner  
  
  
It brought her shame  
  
I remeber crying in the bathroom, about the cramps, the blood, how it all scared me  
  
All she did was tell me to shut up  
  
There were no tears in public  
  
That you did alone  
  
*beep*  
Dr.Chen, this is Freda North, from Community. I'm returning your call regarding the opening in our ER  
*beep*  
  
I made a mistake  
  
Crying in public  
  
I understood why they say never let anyone see you cry  
  
He kept calling to make sure I was alright  
  
Carter... 


	5. Even the finest things, are leaving you ...

I have pictures  
  
They have pictures...their faces I remeber, names on the tip of my tonngue  
  
  
They have my son  
  
Their son, really  
  
I gave him to them. Because they could love him.They had the time, the ambition, the support and compassion of their family  
  
Everything I couldn't offer him  
  
But i have pictures,and stories  
  
John likes to tell me them, when i ask. It's not that I don't remeber...because I remeber that day as brillantly as I could any other important day of my life  
  
But I like to hear them. Like I wasn't really there  
  
That's called disassociation  
  
If I had a patient who came in, and she was talking like this..as crazy as this sounds,I'd have to call psych  
  
But I talked to a shrink  
  
It's not all me....  
  
*beep*  
Your father is furious with your behavior at dinner.He'd just die if he knew I was doing this...  
*Beep*  
  
It's all a show  
  
Even John agrees with me.  
  
If it has anything to do,or about them, it matters  
  
Like my mother's need to patch up the fight  
  
If I didn't know my family so well  
  
I would say that was a plea of redemption  
  
but it's not  
  
it's just another chance to have it all happen all over again 


	6. Why cry for anger???There's so many more...

"Give me a reason why I shouldn't hang up on you?" Jing Mei brushed the crumpled up kleenexs off the couch, picking up the pictures she accidently brushed away  
  
her baby  
  
"Because I'm your mother"  
  
Jing Mei sat quiet,crying quietly  
  
"Please..."  
  
"Don't tell me to stop crying" her bottom lip quivered,"You were complaining how I am almost 30 years old, and I'll never live up to you, or your legacy."  
  
"Jing mei"  
  
"Don't whine how I never grow up and yet you turn around...."  
  
"Jing Mei!"  
  
She stopped, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.Tucking her legs under her, Jing Mei flipped through the photo album,waiting  
  
"I don't represent the whole family.." the old woman whispered,"But I wish you would give me a chance Jing Mei..even if it is just me"  
  
  
Jing Mei ran her finger over the picture of Michael,smiling amongst presents on Christmas morning  
  
  
She hung up. 


	7. Rarely Spoken

This is something I'll get over  
  
I have to  
  
Because everything I am depends on it  
  
You are worthless, useless if you cry in front of people.If you let them see you broken down and grieving  
  
How you can expect them to respect you  
  
To acknowledge your voice as someone with meaning  
  
And I've fought so hard to get where I am  
  
"Are you sleeping?"  
  
Her head shot up off the admit desk."Hmm?"  
  
"Deb" John tapped her shoulder,"Let's go get some coffee"  
  
Her eyes wandered up to the clock.  
  
"you can't let this get to you" he took her hand, leading her to the lounge,"You know you're better than this"  
  
"Am I?"  
  
John shook his head sadly, wrapping the jacket around her shoulders."You know the answer to that"  
  
"I don't have my family anymore..." Jing Mei's bottom lip quivered  
  
He leaned down to button the jacket, stopping just before her collar bone."You have us"  
  
"John?"  
  
Carter spread one arm out, waving it out like one of those girls on the game shows."All this..all of us.."  
  
One of these days  
  
One day at a time  
  
I will get over this  
  
One of these days 


	8. I'll remeber..and I'll get by

Mother may I, I would say   
Yes sweet baby take it away   
It won't be long  
Just remember that   
Powerful is the woman in you   
stay true   
& she'd come to me   
when fire & water was gone   
to caress the empty with a song   
Saying why cry for anger   
that bullets the sky   
just remember   
I'll remember & mama   
I'll get by   
I know my face   
seems crazed & wild   
but I got her eyes  
a mama's child am I  
She's blessed with grace   
& is smooth as a line   
& when I shade   
she helps me shine   
& she comes to me   
when there's nothing   
I believe & holds me so high   
yes I am free   
saying why hold the anger  
it won't let you fly  
just remember   
I'll remember   
& mama mama I'll get by   
Confused by my own illusions   
she said that it's only my pride   
& even the simplest solutions   
still won't heal my mind   
So I'll remember   
I'll remember   
& I'll get by 


End file.
